How to Crack a Coconut: 42 Simple Steps

1. Shake the coconut near your ear to listen for milk inside. That's how you tell if it's ripe.

2. Use a knife to scrape out one of the three holes on one side.

3. Find a ball point pen with which to poke open the scraped out hole. (Preferably blue)


4. Poke out said hole with said blue pen.

5. Drink the milk.

6. Realise the milk is rancid and run to sink to spit it out.

7. Get another coconut and repeat steps 1-5.

8. Bang the coconut on the ground around its circumference until it cracks.

9. Curse because it hurts your hand.

10. Switch hands.

11. Switch hands again.

12. Get angry at the coconut. Growl at it, saying "Crack muthafucka, CRACK!"

13. Go and find the hammer.

14. Search for 30 minutes, unable to find the hammer.

15. Try cracking by hand again.
16. Hike up leg in preparation to throw coconut.

17. Throw coconut.

18. Voila! Enjoy.